"Send Me!"

I did not foresee my having to announce this already, but alright. I can roll with the punches. It has come to my attention that it is time to choose a new head of the Catholic church. Therefore, I am announcing my candidacy for the office of Pope.

I do not take my responsibilities lightly. I go into this endeavor knowing full well the obstacles faced by the previous Pope – a staff overrun with repressed sexual deviants; a horde of faithful followers who refuse papal directives to stop having sex themselves, as well as refusing to stop using birth control; rampant Bingo; and a two-millenia-old budget that includes such hard-to-categorize assets as illuminated manuscripts and golden statues (or as I like to call them, “not-idols”). Not to mention the killer tour schedule established by the previous Pope – it’s like the church was being headed up by Chuck Berry or something.

What are my qualifications? Well, for one thing, my body type lends itself to the flowing-robe wardrobe quite handily. I do not, as a rule, wear hats, but I certainly would if they looked like giant French-fry containers, they way the Pope hats do. I’ve always appreciated alternative fashion.

I don’t have a degree in theology, although I have done a little amateur investigation, and, no Christian could deny that I have spent my entire life in the presence of God, under His divine scrutiny, carrying out His plan. Anyone who says otherwise is claiming they speak for him – blasphemy!

I have no prior experience as a member of the Catholic clergy, although I did attend a Catholic school for 1 year (4th grade), so I have seen what sort of things they get up to. Really, you can say practically anything to a layman in Latin and they’ll feel anointed for the rest of the week.

One area where I do have priestly experience is in receiving confession. I am one of those to whom others with problems come to self-disclose. I have one of those confessional faces, I suppose. But I can certainly give absolution with the best of them.

Like Pope John Paul, I oppose the war in Iraq.

One obstacle to my ascendancy to the papacy would be the fact that I am married. Well, I say, if they can let go of the inquisition, they can accept a married Pope. Personally, I think the faithfull would like it. They love American first ladies (usually), so a papacy with a feminine side (or a “better-half” if you will) would probably meet with wide support.

So there is my announcement, my candidacy for Pope is laid out. Please send your endorsements to Rome. Good luck and Godspeed to us all.

PS – Just wait until you see what the new Popemobile will look like!