Friday, July 1, 2005

Dear Red States

Dear Red States,

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the entire Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all of the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom... We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all of the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Warmest regards,

The citizens of New California

7 comments:

Moniekie said...

Wonderful piece of writing and thought! Last time I and my husband travelled through the States (the West), we found there are fortunately enough plenty of well thinking people left in the States!

SheaNC said...

That's true 8^)

I should add that I didn't write this, it's been on the web for a while; but whoever did write it left a great statement for posterity!

Jack Mercer said...

Dear Blue States,

We've decided to let you go. You can take the Federal Government as it's so much a part of you.

You can take Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the entire Northeast--but PLEASE make sure you take Massachusetts along with the Kennedy family. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the United States of America.

To sum up briefly: We'll keep Texas, Oklahoma and all of the slave states. The states where men are men and women and children are still protected. You can have stem cell research, abortion, gay marriage, euthenasia, legalized drugs, prostitution, gambling, and organized crime, but your innocent citizens are not allowed to have any means of protecting themselves from any of it. You can have the brilliant Ted Kennedy, Barbara Boxer, and Chuch Schumer, and we will even let you adopt the Clintons and Senator Lindsey Graham. Heck, we'll even throw in the majority of the Republican Party if you want them, and adopt the Constitution and Libertarian parties. You keep the Statue of Liberty--its way too French. We'll keep Charleston, the Blue Mountains, and South of the Border. You keep Intel and Microsoft. We'll take Macintosh... You take Harvard and Yale, fraternal organizations that produce eternal adolescents who go into law and poltiics. We'll take Ole' Miss, a real world organization that produces a person actually produces something for society and doesn't live their life leeching off the misfortunes of others. You get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs--even though you detest them and their capitalists motives--but deep down we know that what really motivates you is self-gratification, power and greed, even though you self-righteously criticize it. We get Alabama. You get two-thirds of the tax revenue and the taxes. We learn to become dependent of government and live in independence and dignity.

Since you have difficulty committing to anything, and decide to "shack up" as opposed to actually marry someone, we realize your aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families, at least we define them as families. We will continue to marry and try to commit even though we know these things sometime end in failure. We will not let our fear stop us from trying to do the best we can.

Please be aware that the United States of America will be anti-abortion and pro-defence, and we're not going to lay down on our backs and wet ourselves when someone kills our women and children. If you need people to fight, call the French--they have a wonderful track record. You have families that you're evidently unconcerned about, friends that you are unwilling to fight for, so don't call us to wipe your noses when terrorists blow up your Statue of Liberty. We realize that you probably believe that it was Bush who bombed the Twin Towers and not those beloved and misunderstood Muslim extremists.

We realize that you will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all of the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. We realize too that it would not be so the War of Northern Agression, a pre-emptive, pro-war strike agains fellow citizens that pales in comparison to Iraq had not been won. We realize too, that Lincoln used "slavery" to fuel his war just like Bush used WMD's to fuel his. You can have those resources, but we will have freedom.

In the Red States, on the other hand, we will have to cope with our problems, but at least it will be US coping with them, and not a bunch of government bureaucrats.

We will respect people for what they believe and treat them with dignity, never looking down our noses at people like the 38 percent who believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, the 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, the 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent who believe that anyone can improve and become a better person.

You can take Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Warmest regards,

The citizens of the United States of America

Jack Mercer said...

Interesting compilation of statistics you have here, Shea!

-Jack

SheaNC said...

Interesting, Jack: a lot of the stuff in your "Dear Blue States" response is very anti-republican!

"You can have... abortion, gay marriage, euthenasia, legalized drugs, prostitution, gambling, and organized crime..." - Ha! You think those things don't exist in the red states?

"...but your innocent citizens are not allowed to have any means of protecting themselves from any of it." - Funny - Clinton put more cops on the streets, while Bush did the opposite. Red staters prefer vigilante "justice" to police protection, I guess.

"You take Harvard and Yale, fraternal organizations that produce eternal adolescents who go into law and poltiics." - Really - you just described George Bush, fratboy grad of both Harvard and Yale! You take him - please!

"You get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs" - Yes, the blue states are filled with republican corporate honchos. Surprise!

"even though you detest them and their capitalists motives--but deep down we know that what really motivates you is self-gratification, power and greed" - Sounds like you want to disown the entire political body of the republican party!

And don't forget, the blue states pay the lion's share of taxes, while the red states receive the lion's share of public assistance! How noble of you red staters to invite them all into your homes!

Jack Mercer said...

Just having fun with this, Shea. :)

-Jack

SheaNC said...

Me, too 8^)