Friday, June 3, 2005

Dear Red States...

This is borrowed from bartcop. The author is unknown, but they speak for a lot of us on the left coast.

Subject: Dear Red States

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly:
You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too.
You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Author Unknown in New California.


windspike said...

I've seen this one before Shea - I might add, when is a "Majority" not a Majority? When the Minority represent 5 million more people than the "Majority." Doubters should check the latest census records and do the math.

SheaNC said...

Hey, Windspike. You know... is it just me, or does it seem like I have been strangely devoid of visitors lately? Ever since an anonymous commenter came by and make a remark about my already low hit count, it's been rather quiet. Hmm. Could my "bad attitude" be catching up with me? Nah...

Watch 'n Wait said...

I'm mighty fond of your attitude. I'm thinking your commenters have taken note that school's out and it's vacation time for the kids...and themselves. And also very pleased that Kerry is gonna hit the Senators with the Downing Street Memo come Monday! Hah! Only takes one Senator to kick off the impeachment process. Maybe the Blue Staters won't have to split!

Frenchie said...

Nice one, Shea. As far as visitors go I also think it's the time of year. Our hit count is down at PP also. Just keep bloggin along. Blast the hell out of this administration every chance you get.

Ken Grandlund said...

Loved it. Can we keep Alaska too? That way the moose won't have to worry about losing their homes and we can have plenty of snow balls to cream the old country with come winter time.

SheaNC said...

We have to keep Alaska... it's the home of my friend Mike of the North at!