How To Be A True Bush Conservative In 2004

Note to liberals: you can ignore these instructions unless you want to discover what life would be like as a republican as defined by Bush's 2004 "mandate."

1. Do not collect Social Security. You are not "paying into it," nor have you ever done so. It is not a savings account. It is a socialist redistribution of wealth. Don't accept it. If you do, you're a hypocrite.

2. Do not accept health benefits from your employer. You already condemn liberals who consider them an entitlement. Do not accept them. Take the money you save on those premiums and buy your own health insurance on the free market like a true capitalist. Otherwise, you are a socialist.

3. Do not join a trade union. They are the closest thing to communism we have in this country. If you accept the benefits provided for you by union membership, you are a traitor to conservatism. You'll have a hard enough time reconciling the fact that you enjoy benefits such as overtime pay, won for you by union workers who came before.

4. Since you voted to wage war against Iraq (and other countries in the "axis of evil"), you must join the military and serve your country. You support the war, so you should go fight unless you are disabled. Volunteer to fight terrorists. If you are too old to do so (don't worry, they’re recalling reservists in their 50’s), then send your children. To do anything less makes you a hypocrite. And, be prepared for the “war” to continue… forever.

5. Go to a Christian church and live by its teachings. Do not disobey the "ten commandments," or the commandments given by party-recognized religious leaders, such as Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell. And since social services are to be scrapped in favor of “faith-based initiatives,” you must either give enough to charity to support the poor or shelter someone in your own home. It’s not the taxpayers’ responsibility anymore. It’s yours.

6. If your daughter should become pregnant, or if a girl should become pregnant by your son, you must accept responsibility for the baby. If they, or you if you are a woman, or your wife if you are a man, becomes pregnant and the mother’s life is threatened by irregularities in the pregnancy, they (or you) must carry out the pregnancy, even if it kills them. It is God’s will.

7. If a hospital performs unnecessary surgery upon you; if they accidentally amputate the wrong limb, or remove the wrong organ, or sexually assault you while you are anesthetized, or overcharge you, or anything else you find disagreeable, just live with it. You are not allowed to sue them, because you agree that trial lawyers are responsible for high medical costs.

8. Do not complain because you do not earn enough money if you earn minimum wage (or more), or cannot find a job that pays a decent wage, or cannot afford health care. It’s your own fault, so accept responsibility for it. You will have a tax rebate soon (most likely in the form of a Wal-Mart voucher).

9. Do not expect “overtime” pay if you work over 40 hours a week. The “time-and-a-half” formula was devised by communist-backed labor unions to gouge honest business owners. The same goes for all the other liberal/leftist "entitlements" like "unemployment insurance," "vacation days," "sick leave," etc. An honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay – no work, no pay.

10. Do not complain if your health should suffer due to poisons in land, water or air. If you want all the wonderful things offered by a moral, conservative society, then you must accept the consequences.

11. If you should be thrown into jail, do not expect the “rights” that were demanded by whining liberals, such as the right to an attorney, or to be told the charges against you, or to receive any medical care while incarcerated, or to be released anytime before the government decides to do so, if at all. Know also that your government, as directed by George W. Bush, may decide to torture while you are jailed. Accept it.

12. Do not expect the news media to report “news.” The media are a function of government. News delivered by radio, television or print media is a privilege granted by the republican party. They will decide what you need to know.

More later...